I always thought thai i will be shameless, reckless, blameless and insensitive. When i was younger i promised to myself that i'll never cry. That i wont be like my mother. That i will be strong and irresistible. I thought that it is easy.
Last time when i bloged i wrote that it's gettin better. It used to be. Maby for few days. Now is horrible. I'm on the bottom. My mother is even lower. Her husband fundamentally don't exist and my father is having fun because of that. My mom starded to drink again. Tomorrow is her 47th birthday and i called her today to set up meeting for tomorrow. Nobody answered. Later i called her husband. He told me "mommy is drunk and i can't distract because there is a party". What a duschbag! He knows that i hate when my mother is drunk. When i was talking with him i was in chemist's shop. I ran away with tears in my eyes. I can't stand it anymore. I know that what i'll say will be cruel, but i wish thay he will die soon, if not, my mother will die first. And that is not perspective which i've been looking for. There is also third option. I can kill myself and finally cut myself from it. But it is not that easy. Not easy at all.