poniedziałek, 29 listopada 2010

i can swim again

It's getting better. I don't know how or why but everytnihg is changing for the better. School, me, friends, mom. Only with father is still bad. But iv'e got to confess. I like when he's not speak to me. I feel great when everything what i can hear in my room is my music or my thought. Finally, silence. Anyway. Now i have to keep on the water. I wont drown again.
Well, i've got to go now. There is a lot to do if i wont drown. So, xoxo Alfie

niedziela, 21 listopada 2010

i love the way it hurts

I thought that it wont be worst. But it is. And what is beautiful about this? I'm still happy. Despite of debt, troubles, family issues and tears. Lots of tears. They are everywhere and everlasting. I think they're my friends now. With them problems leaving me and my mind. I read somewhere that human can be truly sad for few minutes, but later is only mental pain. I feel real sad all the time so that's mean that i also feel mental pain always. It should be overwhelming, but it is not. When i feel anythink i am sure that i'm still alive.
I just wanna a little break. There is just month to winter school break, but it's still to long. I want few minutes without worries about tomorrow, about yesterday and today also. I can't find paradise in dashy life. I hope that someday i'll get my own mental heaven and then i'll be most organizer man in the wholewide world.

goodnight to myself because nobody reading this.

niedziela, 15 sierpnia 2010

What's right and what's wrong?

I still hope that i made right decision a few months ago. I know it is better for me but sometimes, on days like this, i can feel that i was wrong. Maybe i was blind and annoyed because of my situation and some ppl. Now, i don't actually know why i left. I think it wasn't that important as the escape. I wish i would be more careful in the future, but i know that is impossible. I'm just too immature to make right decisions. It wont change for the rest of my life and i'm okay with that, but i want just one great pick. Maybe in case of love. Yes, I wish the only one right decision in my life will cover the love stuff. I wanna the best man ever in my life. Musican or a poet? Or just hipster. Somebody who will love me without words and sounds. Just to keep quiet together and love without the rest.

Am i happy now? I am not but i doubt if i ever will. Happy is not what ... will make me happy. I want just peace in my life and static in love. Thats what i'm waiting for.

piątek, 18 czerwca 2010

Brilliant Kid

"Wherever you are, whatever you've done, you should't care about what was in the past. Because you are amazing person, one on the million. You can change every one second of future only if you really want it."
I heard that many times before i finally belived in those words. Yesterday, with a few words i've changed my life despite of what i fucked up in this year. Yes i am amazing, i'm confused that i didn't saw that earlier. I am fucking good in every aspect of my life. I can get everything what i want.
It's pretty cool, huh?

wtorek, 15 czerwca 2010

Just me, myself and i

In my own dreadful land, still. But i love it. My only and the best friend left me. Now she'll live in England for 3 months of even more. I can't wait to be alone in empty house full of scary sounds and shadows. I think i may be crazy or sth. Maby it's because of drugs or pottle. But it doesn't matter. Mad or not i'm still the best person ever after my move out from my mother's house. Two days of studying left. Tomorow Atmasfera in Katowitz and later, 26th June ---> Crystal Castles. I'm so in love with Alice. No i'm bot bi or les, but she is sooo cute. Okay, time to shut up ^. However their music is so splendid. They are brilliant. I'm so happy that they will rock in my city before their gig in Warsaw.
Thank you guys so much for your miusic, you are brilliant!

xoxo, Alfie

piątek, 4 czerwca 2010

lost in city of sinners and wicked lovers

I moved out of the my mother house. I couldn't stand there anylonger. Now i'm living all alone in my own flat. I feel so much better when i'm waking and nobody no wheezes under my head that i'm selfish, lazy and useless. I hate it btw. It is my life and
no one should care about how and what im doing with it. So fuck off mother and you, you fucking stepfather. Go fuck eachother and leave my lazy life in my wicked hands. I'll survive by myself, without yours letters.

Luv ya, Alfie

poniedziałek, 24 maja 2010

Mommy, please don't cry. I can't talk with you when you cry, now i need to focus on school and my future and stop thinking about what i've done. I hope that you will done with drinking because it's the main reason of my escape from house. To not looking what you and your husband doning with your life, it makes me mad. I couldn't think about anything else. If you want to know, i'm not feeling here good, because you're not here with me. But I can not live with you because your husband doesn't understand what was happening to me when i see you're killing yourselves. Maybe I do not understand what is happening in the company, in the home, but I understand perfectly that alcohol does not helps you, it buried alive everything what you've got with no possibility of retreat, like me not with you. I do not want to burden you by any guilt for what happened, I just ask you to think about all things which happend in last year, and try to see what i saw whan you was drunk.

niedziela, 9 maja 2010

Firstly : to get the ideal


Leave my naive heart!

Sorry for being an annoying bitch, and for stalking your girlfriend. But i'm completly and with no doubt in love with you. That's my best excuse ...

I dreamed about you last night. You were so drunk and you said that you still want me so badly. And then i woke up. That was most horrible night in last few months.
I don't really want you back. I just want rest in peace in my own soltitude. I'm so angry that you still making me so crazy when you are near me.

So yes. This is my last decision. Leave me alone. You should disappear for me and my naive heart. That way will be the best way ever in my whole fucking short life.

piątek, 7 maja 2010

Never forget

I will always remember that what counts and what will count. I swear I will never forget and adhere to what i promised to myself. From now, for ever I will always be who i always wanted to be. I'll achieve my aim with any cost.

czwartek, 6 maja 2010

Little bit crazy

A new chapter of completely new life? Yeah, would like to. Would like to forget, to turn away from what it was and run as fast as possible, but it is not possible. Past ran as fast as me, bah! Sometimes even faster. Ahead of me and in the in the least expected time falls on me at the crossroads, on the bus, on the market. I hate this sense of humor. Can't i really live like a normal eighteen?. Oh, throughout this period of time I became a mature person to not be able to keep calm and be ike i should be . Why is the age of eighteen years is the age of maturity while I do not feel mature with what has happened in the past and what probably will happen in the near future. Again, I go where I should not have to go and then I can be sure that past wait there for me and will be to return with redoubled force.
Totally irresponsible, thoughtless and terribly immature woman with a awful past on her backpack.
Cool, just wait until someone finds me as insane and sent to a psychiatris. They will find 876788676632 phobia, even more problems and I in all this, not with the reasons for mental status, and the throng of diseases. And me, in all of these problems gonna get crazy as soon as it possible. Then you could call me madman.
Hey! Do you like that feeling when someone still salking you and can not stop. Something like a hamster in a spinning wheel, but that a hundred times more, and a hundred times faster. Me neither. Also, get off me and take care of your own live because it is much more crushed than mine.

Full of hope and of sound mind.