czwartek, 24 lipca 2014

It was failure, and It will be again

Like I said, it was failure. I failed that exam so hard that I don't want to think about it anymore. I passed it year later. With a lame grade but always. It suits me. I have dealt with it and accepted my fate. It was painful to accept the fact that I'm am not god enough for my dreams and aims. But I have pulled myself together and I passed that damned exam, with E grade, but I have it behind me and I can forget about it. The thing that bothers me now is that I haven't passed 3 exams. Business (which consist of business language, economy, and commercial correspondence), French (which consist of writting language: vocabulary and grammar, and oral examination), History of USA. The last one got me collapsed inside. I love USA so much, but I was to lazy to learn it's history, which is not so long comparing to history of Poland and Britain that I had to learn once in the past. I've got 1 month to learn all of this shit and pass or else I will be stopped again. They won't let me pass semester, I won't get conditional credit and I will stay on 1st year once again. Or even worse. I will be thrown out of Uni. That would mean that I have had wasted two precious years of my miserable life. So keep your fingers crossed so I won't end up as my family worse nightmare.

czwartek, 7 marca 2013

I won't even make to the shores

Funny how important is todays exam and how much I don't care. Erm, no. It is not funny. It is freaking annoying. I can't stop doing things I'm not suppose to. Like sitting there and writing this. Maybe I'm posessed by demon of no shit was given that day. Or any other day. I'm arfaid that this would be failure once again. Eh, me and my weird scares. I should start learning again but I just can't. Every thing is possible distraction. Coffe, phone, ipad, even my soaking nose. Poe is hungry, rabbits scratching the door, neighbour knocking walls, sound of breathing, sound of air. Eh, I think I'm gonna give it up.

piątek, 27 maja 2011


On the north-east Poland is the land full of lakes, forests, rivers and meadows. this place is called "Mazury". I was there once on canoeing camp. It was amazing, completely different than theese industrial view. Also we have access to the Baltic Sea on North. Lots of wild beaches, rocky cliffs and also forests. And the last places full of nature in Poland are mountain ranges, mainly in southern Poland. Mountains like Sudety or Karpaty are most popular.
Uh, i've never thought that I love so many places in Poland ;)

sobota, 23 kwietnia 2011

Congrats to ME

It is painful but also beautiful. Like I wrote last time : I worked my problems off. Well, officially now : I GRADUATED THE HIGHSCHOOL. I'm really proud of myself. I made this despite of averything and everybody around me what had been distracting me. Goodbye highschool, welcome The School Of Arts, the faculty of photography. Thank you for not reading this and goodnight to nobody.

poniedziałek, 14 marca 2011

Is a house really a home when your loved ones are gone

I really do like this place. I like the trees and the alleys. I like people, all of them. Even the bad ones. I do like whe atmosphere in this place. Despite the fact, that this atmosphere is not the good one. I never thought that I'll be living in here again. But here i am. I'm almost nineteen, smoking cigarette by the window and loving new me more than ever. Maby it's just another beginning with short vadility. I don't care because I have hope. A lot of hope and dreams, I am stronger than last time. I can feel the changes. Not only in me. Also in my mother and my father, in my friends and people that I'm passing on the street every morning. My house is a home even if my father is not love me like he should love his daughter. We don't talk again. I'm alone but happy this time. My mother is better. She is trying to stay sober. She is doing it pretty well. I know that i can't change past but i will change future. I will use all my power to make my life better. I'm going to school again. I have problems with teachers and past absence but i'll work it out. I know that. I am going to believe in me. This is the way to winning

niedziela, 23 stycznia 2011

It's gotta get GOOD before it's get BAD

I always thought thai i will be shameless, reckless, blameless and insensitive. When i was younger i promised to myself that i'll never cry. That i wont be like my mother. That i will be strong and irresistible. I thought that it is easy.
Last time when i bloged i wrote that it's gettin better. It used to be. Maby for few days. Now is horrible. I'm on the bottom. My mother is even lower. Her husband fundamentally don't exist and my father is having fun because of that. My mom starded to drink again. Tomorrow is her 47th birthday and i called her today to set up meeting for tomorrow. Nobody answered. Later i called her husband. He told me "mommy is drunk and i can't distract because there is a party". What a duschbag! He knows that i hate when my mother is drunk. When i was talking with him i was in chemist's shop. I ran away with tears in my eyes. I can't stand it anymore. I know that what i'll say will be cruel, but i wish thay he will die soon, if not, my mother will die first. And that is not perspective which i've been looking for. There is also third option. I can kill myself and finally cut myself from it. But it is not that easy. Not easy at all.